I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
