I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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