Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
