At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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