im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
