you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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