If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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