I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
