Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
