he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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