I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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