I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
