The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
