apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
