WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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