I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
