im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
