I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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