just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
