jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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