Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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