I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
