just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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