I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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