I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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