I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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