did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize