bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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