Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
