Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
