If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
