You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
