Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
