So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
