one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
