I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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