watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
