someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
