My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize