I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize