Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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