Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
