I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
