Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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