found the other keg... it's in the tree
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
