Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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