Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize