Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
