I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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