It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
