Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
