I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
