she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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