he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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