We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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