Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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