When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
