It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
