i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
