I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
