I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
