In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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