I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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