cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
