when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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