Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
